January 3, 2017

Year in Review: Rejected Headlines of 2016

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At TechnologyAdvice, we pride ourselves on editorial discernment. The internet can be a cesspool of useless, misleading information, and we’d rather not contribute to the problem.

Given the recent uproar over fake news and the startling realization that small media decisions can influence large socio-political outcomes, we decided to take a moment and publicly signify our integrity.

ALSO READ: 4 Signs Marketing Automation Has Turned You Into a Robot

Throughout the year, we field a lot of emails and phone calls from people and brands who want to write for our blog. Some of the pitches are good. Some are crap. Others are clearly a hoax — part of a vast conspiracy of fabricated stories designed to stir pandemonium in the B2B technology world.

The good news is that we reject most of these. The even better news is that we’ve compiled a list of the most ridiculous rejected headlines of 2016, for your reading pleasure. Each of these headlines came from a real email in which a real person actually pitched the topic.* We definitely did not sit around and come up with fake headlines just to make people laugh.

“Report: Desks Say HelpDesk Software Not Helpful for Actual Desks”

This report had no legs to stand on — allegedly based on a survey of more than 800 wooden desks used by call center agents across the globe. Desks complained that they felt “weighed down” by legacy help desk software. Other top complaints included pencil holders, keyboards, boxes of tissue, and tiered file organizers.   

“Debate Finally Settled Over Pronunciation of ‘Pardot'”

The “t” is not silent. French community outraged — threatening boycott, even “Frexit,” over what they call an “irresponsible linguistic judgment.”

“Psychologists Say It’s Normal to Fantasize About the Software You Really Want”

Okay, but how often is it normal to experiment with or buy new software? How long should a company douse its true desires in a cold shower of budget restrictions? Asking for a friend.

“10 Hacks for Increasing Your Passive Aggression on Slack”

No communication tactic can rival the strength of an emoji-less, Giphy-less Slack message with a perfectly ambiguous undertone. Examples:

  • I know that won’t be a problem for you.
  • Glad we’re on the same page.
  • Deodorant is great, isn’t it? 

“Approaching Singularity Postponed, Says Giant Talking Computer”

Reporters say the computer answered all follow-up questions with “42.”

“9 Ways Security Software Securely Secures Your Security”

Every business wants to feel secure, but this article lacked the specificity we usually look for in a blog submission. Headline felt a little risky.

“Salesforce Aims to Be Less Forceful, Rebrands to SalesEncourage”

According to an anonymous source, Salesforce is planning a 2017 rebrand to align with more tolerant, “soft-touch” B2B strategies. As Yoda said, “Remember, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Encourage.”

“HubSpot Wins Pulitzer for Best Listicle of 2016”

The Pulitzer has really loosened its standards, or maybe it’s just adapting to digital publishing trends. We’re feeling a listicle of the best listicles coming on.

“Study Finds Disruption is the New Status Quo”

So what disrupts disruption then? Working normal hours and getting home in time for dinner? Sounds pretty nice. Yay, disruption.

“Salesforce Bankrupt — Entire World Screwed”

Last we checked, Salesforce was still leading the CRM market by a long shot and one of the most profitable SaaS companies in the world, used by hundreds of thousands of businesses in almost every industry. Imagine the horror. 

“4 in Critical Condition After Casino Bar Fight at #Smarketing Summit”

The blood feud knows no bounds, even at a gathering designed specifically to improve strategic alignment. A witness saw several SDRs smashing bottles on the counter and shouting that they deserved better leads.

“Google Just Did a New Thing With Their Stuff”

In a colorful, IKEA-furnished office somewhere in a Silicon Valley, an algorithm just moved. The marketing world is sure to be talking about this one for a while, even though they don’t really understand its significance, and even though it doesn’t have any.

“Startup Founder Attends Meeting, Doesn’t Derail Quarterly Plan”

“I decided to take a risk and see how much my team could accomplish without constant supervision,” the founder told reporters on scene. “It was really hard not to talk.”

“FCC Declares Forbes a Public Health Hazard Due to Invasive Ads”

Thousands of readers seek treatment for frustration-related injuries. A Forbes spokesperson says they will continue to fight ad-blockers by blocking people who use ad-blockers, and no, they don’t think that hurts their credibility or user experience.

“No Evidence of Prediction or Analytics Found in Predictive Analytics Software”

Just a bunch of third-party contact data and a primitive algorithm that combs your CRM for shared lead attributes. Nevertheless, vendors continue to flood this space with new, outrageously-priced SaaS products.

* * *

If these headlines are any omen of what’s to come in 2017, we’ll have our work cut out. But don’t worry; TechnologyAdvice will continue to publish great content day after day, week after week, with articles, news, analysis, and best practices tailored to your interests.

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*None of these headlines are real.